Have you ever made a decision and then had it chip away at you? You ignore it, bury it and then it starts to play out physically, as if your body is punishing you when you don’t listen to your mind. Your body’s alarm sounds until you’re forced to look the decision straight in the eyes.
My body has been doing that lately.
Knocking, louder and louder. I have been in and out of Drs surgeries, trying to find an answer for why I am feeling so defeated and not just in a new (& working) Mother kind of way.
The wonderful specialist I have been seeing called me in early August to say she was sorry but that the latest round of test results were ‘worse’. She recommended bed rest and that I not embark on my upcoming travels, for work or with my family. I’d had a difficult birth, complications and was navigating anxiety having recently spent time in hospital with my baby, Xanthe. It made me realise I needed to completely switch off, connect with my new little family and prioritise my mental and physical health. The voice within finally had a chance to speak and that decision that had been chipping away at me came to the surface. I needed to take time out. I needed to spend time with my baby.
I needed to take delayed maternity leave.
I thought I was capable of it all. I’m not. I thought I could just keep running. I can’t. The last thing I ever wanted was to step away from my team because I was sure they needed me. But I’ve been watching and listening and learning. They are incredible. They’ll be better than fine, they’ll thrive.
"Your body’s alarm sounds until you’re forced to look the decision straight in the eyes. My body has been doing that lately."
Everyone had told me to take more time. So why did I think I didn’t need it? That’s the question I have been asking myself. I guess it’s because you do what you’ve always done. If I’m completely honest and allow myself to be vulnerable, I also have to admit that I couldn’t allow myself to stop because what’s scarier than going? It’s stopping, sitting, being.
It’s hard to put up your hand and admit you’re not coping. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard to make a change. It’s hard to course correct. But if I can do it, you can too. I’m now on maternity leave. I’m starting with a health retreat to get my health back on track so I can be the best version of myself for my little family. I’m spending time with my baby. We then go on our first real adventure together, to somewhere remote in nature so we can disconnect to connect. It scares me but I know it will be a time I will treasure forever. It’s my own little Eat, Pray, Love with the baby I’d always dreamt of in tow.
So, where is your mind at? What is your body telling you? Where do you need to course correct? Please take this as a reminder that you can change anything that’s not working for you and it might not be as hard as you think it will be. Life is about change and if you suppress those messages, you get sick. I’m proof of that.
Oh, and if you’re having a baby, take more time than you’ll think you need… because you will need it.
I'd love to continue this conversation around anxiety, motherhood, and juggling this modern world we live in. I'm learning... and I hope to use this platform to learn with you.